Something incredible occurred… I became enlightened.
Today is the last day of my Spontaneous Qi practice.
Upon completing my final practice, an incredible phenomena occurred. Here is an extract from my Practice Log:
It was the final day of my 30 Day trial and I had just completed my last practice session. I collapsed onto the floor in a pool of sweat. I was ecstatic, I had done it!
And then a bright light filled the room. ‘What on Earth is going on? I wondered.
Suddenly, the sky opened up and then Buddha, Jesus, an elderly Chinese man with a long grey beard, who I thought was Lao Tzu, and Master Yoda came flying down from among the clouds on a golden Chevolet. They had warm smiles on their faces.
“Behold the one that is known as John. We come from heaven bearing a special message and gift” a voice boomed out from the flying vehicle.
As they came closer, I realised that the old Chinese man was actually Colonel Sanders. And then I noticed that Zena Warrior Princess was there also sat in the back seat painting her nails.
“Why are you in Heaven?” I asked the Colonel. “I thought you were responsible for the butchery of billions of chickens?”
The Colonel stroked his trademark moustache and replied:
“Well it’s all down to my ‘finger-lickin’ Kentucky fried recipe. They made a special dispensation for me to come to Heaven. Basically they were getting tired of eating mung bean salad and tofu”.
“I thought they’d all be vegetarian up there?” I asked
“They are”, the Colonel answered. “They simply wanted my secret recipe to make a ‘finger-lickin’ batter to make fried tofu and some of my Special Colonel Sander’s gravy sauce for their mung bean salad. You know – make it taste less tofu and mung bean-like”.
“Ah, I can understand that” I said. “By the way, what is the secret ingredient in your batter and gravy sauce?” I asked the Colonel
“Extracts of Chicken”, he whispered.
Then the Buddha spoke to me telepathically.
“Congratulations! You have completed your 30 day gong. You can take your place as one of us. You will hereby be known as ‘Master John, Jedi Master’.”
“Wow thanks!” I said. “After this 30 Day Trial, I really didn’t expect anything to happen, so this is a great bonus. I always wanted to be a Jedi Master!”
Yoda replied in his croaky voice:
“Oh yes, big thing it is. A trial such as yours, most humans can not complete. The first you are, so a wish we grant upon you. Wish, anything you want, but ask now for it, because busy we are.”
“You have granted me a wish! Oh Fantastic” What splendid fortune, I thought to myself, but I must answer now for it seems they are in a hurry.
I thought long and hard. But an answer just would not come.
“Anything I want?” I muttered to myself. Should I choose money? Fame? A playboy lifestyle? Mind you, I don’t think the Budhha would approve of those choices.
“It’s such a difficult thing to decide.” I hesitated.
“What is right for you, you must choose” Yoda advised.
But all I could think of was money, fame or a playboy lifestyle.
“I’m not really sure” I answered.
Zena huffed impatiently.
“Can you hurry up! I’ve got an appointment at the hair salon” She said.
Even Master Yoda looked pissed with my delay.
“Oh, wait!” I had a revelation. “I know the answer”. It was so bloody obvious what the right answer was
“I’d like to have enlightenment” I answered.
Budhha smiled back
“Ping Pong” he sang out animatedly. “That’s an easy one.
“You had me worried there for a second. I thought you were going to choose Money, Fame or a Playboy lifestyle”, the Buddha said
“Yeah”, piped in Jesus. “That one always costs us a fortune to set up. Money doesn’t grow on trees you know.”
Then with a click of Budhhas’ thumb and fingers, they all disappeared in a flash of lightening and smoke.
I was enlightened.
And then I lived happily every after in Tokyo Disneyland with all the members of AKB48 and the Oompa Loompas to do my laundry.
It’s a joke
Just in case, you hadn’t realised, I didn’t really achieve enlightenment. But I have completed my trial. Day 30 will be posted shortly after.
This story is just a way of taking away the seriousness of my trial and also of qigong in general.
I didn’t really expect anything major to come from this. I am doing this trial to benefit my health but also out of curiosity because I have never really explored spontaneous qigong.
Also I want to strengthen my own determination and habit. After doing this trial, I hope to do other similar trials to improve myself.
Commitment to improvement
I have become a lot lazier these last few years. I am letting life stop me from doing what I need to do to have a stronger body as I get older. This I need to work on. Hence this trial.
I think that any kind of practice, habit change or regular exercise is a long term thing.
For example, you can start exercising today and keep it up every week, but you may not really see the benefits until years later. It is then that you may find that your body is more hardier and more toned compared to if instead, you had spent those years watching TV and shovelling pie and chips down your throat at the Nag and Swan Public House.
When, perhaps the only time you raise your heartbeat, is after you catch a glimpse of Busty Barmaid, Samantha’s Brassier as she bends over to retrieve a bag of pork scratchings from under the bar.
It goes something like this…
“Jus how m’ny scratchings will ‘t be today?” Samantha’s throaty voice asks, awakening you out of your brassier trance.
“One will do Samantha Love. Me and t’ Missus are having a Chinese tonight”, you explain.
“Well y’d best take an extra one for the road”, Samantha offers, and then she bends down again to give you one more forbidden peak of her brassiere. A cheeky little grin on her face… She knows your game.
“That’ll be 70 pence for ‘t scratchings”, Samantha says.
“I’ll have one more bag please”, you say.
I would say there have been some benefits to my practice so far. I have felt a lot calmer mentally and been a bit more forgiving so far. I have also looked more at the positives in some not so good situations, whereas before I would have resisting them and just seen the negatives. This is not to say, I have become more Buddha-like. I haven’t. I still struggle with internal stuff and some current challenges in life do still get the better of me.
But overall, I think my trial has been good for me. And for this reason, I would recommend a daily Qigong practice. It can be very useful for stress release. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be spontaneous qigong. Any form of qigong is good for this.
And if not Qigong, then I would recommend 30 days of any other kind of exercise or positive habit change.
100 Day Gong vs 30 Day Trial
In China, they have this concept of the 100 day gong, where you do a particular exercise 100 days in a row. Obviously it is a more serious undertaking, kind of reminiscent of Kung Fu monks in a temple somewhere.
In reality, 100 consecutive days of doing something like low horse stance or 100 press ups is hard to achieve especially with life, work, studies or family responsibilities. Sickness also could throw you off. so I don’t think its viable to do that and only adds extra pressure and a high chance of failure. I think 30 days is more achievable.
Take your pick
Also it doesn’t have to be exercise. It could be 30 days of looking for the one positive thing in every bad thing that occurs in your life. Or 30 days of drinking ginger tea instead of coffee every morning. Or even 30 days of wearing clean underwear if that is something you’re slack with. Although, that shouldn’t have to be a trial.
Or how about 30 days of writing 500 words a day on a book? That would be 15,000 words. An optimal size for a novella or script. It is that simple. If you do attempt to write your own book for the first time, I suggest you check my links below on writing fiction for some inspiration.
I hope you enjoyed this little intermission from my Spontaneous Qigong trial. Day 30 and conclusion coming soon.
Japanese Bar Display – Silvia Lüthi. akupunkturplus.ch